“TV Power Rankings” – Your Guide to the Top 10 Must See Events on TV
If ever there was a week to shut off the television and reconnect with your significant other, your children, your pet, your friends, nature, or to go on a sabbatical trip to search for the true meaning of the term “winning”, this is the week. It was honestly quite difficult to find 10 things on television worthy of our viewing attention. But the Power Rankings must go on, so here are this week’s top 10 best and worst television events for the upcoming week:
1. American Idol - Wednesday-Thursday, 8pm, FOX: The first contestant will be voted off this week, while the rest of us keep watching Randy Jackson try to uncomfortably channel his inner Simon Cowell and be the bad guy of the judging trio. We’re just not feelin’ it dude.
2. Jersey Shore - Thursday, 10pm, MTV: Reality television dominates the top 2 spots of this week’s Power Rankings; that’s how bad of a week this is going to be.
3. Glee - Tuesday, 8pm, FOX: Gwyneth Paltrow returns in a guest star role; despite her best efforts to make us forget, we all still remember that she named her daughter Apple. Whether that was done as a way to honor the technology firm or the fruit, it’s only going to motivate people to name their daughters after other fruits: how does Kiwi, Pomegranate, or Kumquat sound?
4. Arnold Schwarzenegger Marathon - Starting at 9:15am on Sunday, AMC: Say what you will about his politics; one thing you definitely can’t say about the Governator is that he doesn’t know how to make an exciting action movie. The marathon starts with End of Days and climaxes with Predator at 5:30pm.
5. NCAA Basketball Championship Selection Show - Sunday, 6pm, CBS: For the first time ever, viewers will get the opportunity to watch every tournament game thanks to a partnership with TBS, TNT, and truTV. If only these four stations could also agree never to televise Greg Gumbel again. And to have Gus Johnson cloned so he can announce every game.
6. LA Lakers at Miami Heat - Thursday, 7pm, TNT: This game would rank higher if the Heat were actually capable of closing out games against the NBA’s elite teams. The Lakers usually bring their “A” game against the league’s best, so anticipate some more crying in the Heat locker room after this contest.
7. Fringe - Friday, 9pm, FOX: If you haven’t seen an episode of Fringe yet, get on Netflix and watch season 1 now. Then be prepared to be blown away by the next two seasons.
8. Conan - Wednesday, 11pm, TBS: His best guest this week appears to be Pee Wee Herman. Feel free to insert your best Pee Wee joke here.
9. Saturday Night Live - Saturday, 11:30pm, NBC: SNL goes from the bottom 10 to the Top 10 thanks to its guest host: Zach Galifianakis. His monologue the last time he hosted was the stuff of legend; expect a repeat this time.
10. No Country for Old Men - Saturday, 11:00am, USA: A Coen brothers classic that will get your weekend off on the right foot.
Cellar Dwellers: The Power Rankings Bottom 10:
991-994. Avoid TBS and TNT on Saturday. Their lineup of movies includes: Speed Racer, Envy, Fun with Dick and Jane, and 10,000 B.C. Let’s just say that if somebody from the year 10,000 B.C. were to magically hop into a time machine to the present day and see these four movies, they would speed race back to their time machine in full haste to distance themselves from these four horrible films.
995. The Village - Sunday, 1pm, WGN: Yet another example as to why Hollywood should have never allowed M. Night Shyamalan to direct another movie after Signs.
996. Love Guru – Sunday, 12pm, TBS: If any of you have been wondering why you haven’t seen much of Mike Myers in recent years, it’s because he officially killed his career in this movie.
997. Day After Tomorrow - Wednesday, 7:30pm, FX: It would be more enjoyable to suffer through a real Armageddon than the fictionalized account of this one.
998. Son in Law – Saturday, 6:30pm, CMT: Arguably Pauly Shore’s best movie; that’s about as much of a recommendation as having a colonoscopy done during a root canal while watching The View.
999. Disaster Movie – Sunday, 9pm, Comedy Central: The only movie that currently exists on this planet that could receive a lower ranking than a Pauly Shore movie.